He doesnt seem to be enjoying himself around you anymore now. (Weirdly, by giving my anger a physical expression, I think it sticks around LONGER than if I had not worked it out.). People who base their identity around fixing you have a major investment in keeping you broken. Respect is really important in relationships. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. We dont try and manage the others health and healing, though. LW, I have had trouble loving and trusting myself and when I am very stressed I still have issues with self loathing, but what I had to learn (and have to remind myself sometimes) is that I dont have to *do* anything to have worth. I will always be a survivor of sexual assault and emotional abuse who has depression and obsessive compulsive tendencies. There doesnt have to be any malice or entitlement in it. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. One cannot Straw Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally. I thought we were going to back off on this thing where you are my trainer., What did you eat when I was out of town? Dont really have a list, but it was delicious. My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. If you were kind of hiding from them because you were depressed and have shame about how long its been, let it go. It was easier for him to say eat soup, no not that soup, get more cardio than say I was really scared when you got so depressed you couldnt get out of bed. A lot of men dont know what constitutes looking good, sure, but most at least know a clean shirt and something other than cotton or jersey material is the way to go. The author begins by explaining that he is currently dating a woman who he's been with for some time. In some cases, he may have forgotten how strong your connection was. If youve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you. And Ive gotten better about listening. What is it that he doesnt like anymore and related to your relationship together? For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. I have found a form of exercise that it tremendously good for me: I have an exercise bike that you can hook up to a tablet and plan a route on Google Streetview. Did you exercise today?Yep, it was great!What did you do?Why are you asking me? In some cases, he may have been at the point where it was becoming too serious for him. People dont always tell you frankly when theyre mad at you because, say, theyre projecting their issues on you. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. He felt justified in hurting my feelings as long as it was based in reason.. This isnt sustainable. (Of course, theyre the first ones to ask Well why didnt she leave? Stop. Unfortunately, who he is now does XYZ, and is unlikely to stop, so theyre both unhappy. I want to highlight a few things from your letter that really disturbed me. And its going to be almost impossible to dump him because youre so invested in him but you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck. Sort of like how talking about What A Good Time Were Having is a sign that we are having a terrible time. There are the ones who will, when lovingly-but-firmly redirected, go and renovate the bathroom instead, and then there are the ones who wont. All the love and respect in the world, dear Terrible. I think you are going to be just fine and that you know what is best for you. He certainly doesnt track what Im eating / what exercise I am doing unless I ask him to make me accountable which only happens when I know I need that boot in the bum and cant justify a personal trainer. Ive read a ton of stories from people who were pushed, and their health was badly hurt. Your email address will not be published. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. It sounds like BF is unhappy with the relationship, but feels like LW has it in her control to make the relationship better, so he is taking it out on her for not being the idealized version of herself. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. . As the Captain said, he likes potential you. Yup. What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. This probably represents a big change in your ongoing habit of communication, so take it easy on yourself as you attempt it (but attempt it). Hlep is that thing that looks like help and is presented in a context that would normally surround helpuntil you blink and look again and realize that it isnt help at all. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. Hlepy people may accept correctionor they may not. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. . Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. Maybe he thinks he wants you better, so acts in ways that can be seen as toward that goal, but is afraid of you being better, because then he would have no grounds to act superior to you. In the latter casetry the scripts here for some firmer words of quit that already, mention that you *have* a therapist and this is their *job* and his job now is to be a listening ear and a source of happiness and relaxation, and if he still refuses to comply, dump him. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. ), the only logical course of action is taking that into account when youre dealing with people. This, again, is part of why we dont have a good relationship). He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. I genuinely loved him, and in his way, I think he loved me too. Make sure that the issues you address in your list are really what is bothering you. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: When men care about a woman, they want to look good and impress her. What could have turned him off about you in particular? Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? [6] Say something like, "I've noticed you've been a little distant lately. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. Let's discuss four things that happen when you actually stop chasing a man and how this affects the relationship. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. If youre not into cooking, make a weekly date to try new restaurants in the neighborhood. Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. It didnt make it easy, but it helped, and it showed support. If you love someone, why are you punishing them? And will often ask if I want icecream instead Your boyfriend should be treating you with love and compassion, not telling you your efforts are Not Good Enough (seriously, WTF?!). Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. #687: My boyfriend wont stop trying to fix me. He wants to spiral your self-esteem back down, and then play the good boyfriend who knows whats best for poor you card. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. Maybe Im coming off as too harsh, and if I am I apologize. And I have to say, each and every guy whos shown interest in me but has said things like Youd be a lot prettier if you exercised (I walked 3-5 miles a day because I didnt have a car) and/or who has tried to get me to do something about my apparently embarrassingly large backside (its genetic, you fucking fucks!) Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? You Police Their Food Or Body. He is not interested in you. What he could and did do that helped me was: 1) shop for food and cook the healthy meals for us himself, and not guilt me when I planned to cook and then. When I am at home, I just need to chill out. Either he doesnt realize how much of a Ricardo Cabeza hes being and will totally back off when you state your boundaries, or hell double down and youll know that hed much rather be a Helper and Fixer than actually love you for you right now. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. He is a member of your team and not your coach. Emotional detachment. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. What did you just say to me? The focus is making me incredibly uncomfortable, though. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. Guys, on the other hand, typically view themselves as weak and incapable if they voice their feelings or lean on other people for help or support. Im so much happier now and I experience so much less strain in my inner life with striving to justify every little feeling and decision. I wholeheartedly agree. Also, it annoys the crap out of me. LW, your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand up. LW, you dont need someone who will put up with you, you need and DESERVE someone who youre willing to put up with. One way to equalize a relationship like this while still showing care for your partners mental health is to maybe suggest fun things to do TOGETHER. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. Sounds like my Dad. Which is precisely what he sounds like. If you choose to ignore these signs, then some day you will find that things have gone beyond the point of no return. So, try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone's stories. These are pretty direct statements. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). He isnt saying anything because there are no rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you. In the most recent invention, a group of university students in China created a kissing device that lets you make out with your partner from across the seas, country, or city. They threaten to break up with you all the time. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. I know plenty of people who want to be helpful but dont really know how. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. So I get what it feels like to see your partner unhappy and struggling. You SHOULD tell this to your therapist, and any other allies you have. Ding! So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. short and sweet? This is totally fine when your relationship is great. Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. The people who appoint themselves my life coach have always happened to be women, personally). Whoa, this is me a year/two years/three years ago. Feelings of shame and guilt. For example, he seems to want a skinny girlfriend, and she wants a boyfriend who isnt a nagging douchecanoe. If your guy used to care and suddenly cant be bothered, thats a red flag. And I think thats a super sweet thing to do, because sometimes we need explicit cues from others that they care about us and arent secretly frowning at us. Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. I think you can tell dude that the things he is doing are not helping and that your therapist agrees with you (assuming therapist does and I think therapist is your number one go to about this) and also give him things he *can* do to help you when you are feeling down. Do either of you even know whether those goals are achievable? "You need to STOP chasing him immediately. As a friend once wisely told me, theres a difference between helping each other grow and one person pointing out your flaws in detail after knowing you so intimately with the excuse that its supposed to help. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. Don't put any extra effort into those who drain you. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. Make lifestyle changes to ensure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. Oh wow. Maybe it is unfair, but my first reaction to the collection of things he wants LW to work on was Boyfriend is trying to sculpt a thinner partner.. Its like saying well, be careful not to be happy. 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. Getting up in my business, ever, unless it is shared business (Did you pay that bill?) or I have specifically asked him to (and I quit doing this b/c he doesnt really like it, its one more damn thing on his to-do list basically.) I have one word for you, LW. Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? That looks like progress to me.. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? Also *I* will be happy when youre skinny. Which . Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. Forgive me, but I get the feeling from your letter that its the latter. A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. *nodnod* But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of helpful. On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. Scrolling through my phone. I liked the suggestion made upthread to use the BF for practicing your new boundary-setting skills on. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? If theres child support or alimony involved, the presence of those forms should be able to take care of the financial requirements.). If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough, or if I stop doing as many good things like eating veggies and working out, while hes out of town. Responding to your partner asking you to stop trying to control them by telling them that their opinion is stupid is pretty emotionally abusive. Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. Youve clearly already worked out some helpful things. Hell yes! You are doing FINE. I did not fail. He dropped out of college to focus on being a sound cloud rapper. If your social group feels patch and thin, take steps to meet new people. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. Wow, what a trainwreck/mindfuck. The closest he comes is But that doesnt make sense! Which, you will notice, does not contain the word you. A person who is engaged in actual logicking is thinking about statements, not persons, nor how much better they are than you. Does he pressure anyone else stories from people who base their identity around fixing you have a good boyfriend stopped trying. Sound cloud rapper it showed support me to do or say happen when you are wonderful, no matter you. 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