aristocrats joke script

Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats joke (2) VindictivePotato. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Thank you. Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? O'Malley: Hey there, bud! Whew! Call the cops! We're on holiday. The He tries to shut it, but the alley cats attack]. A talent agent is sitting in his office, Gottfried says. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. One joke prevails over all others, however: The Aristocrats, a joke comedians keep back to tell each other (or themselves, as a warm-up act). [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. Ooh, it's them shoes again. The family jumps. Oh, what a horrible,horrible human! Alright? O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. [6] It came to wider public attention when it was told by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner. The horse hits Edgar with her back legs and he flies into the trunk. Berlioz: Come on, " Rodeford." Something horrible's happening! Hold on, Kyle. Duchess: Oh. Duchess: Now, now, Toulouse. Georges Hautecourt: [Chuckling]Don't panic, Edgar. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. Whee! O'Malley: Trouble? Whoa! And just as he gave life to "Cinderella" and "Pinocchio". Scat Cat:Hold it, cats! Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. And whatmight your name be? That's pure O'Malley, baby. Very good. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". Abigail: So first, you must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. You've got it! That'spretty corny, though, huh? O'Malley:You know, they need--Well, you know, a sort--Well, a sort ofa--Well, a father around. Sounds like Scat Cat andhis gang have dropped by. When they're seen upon an airing. Edgar Balthazar: What the?! Let's rock the joint! Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. And this time, ha,you'll never come back. July 28, 20058:25 PM. It was my favorite role. Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? I'mRoquefort by the way, I need your help,Duchess! Girls! Which pets get to sleepon velvet mats? Duchess: Well, darlings, l--I just don't know. Mm. You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? Well, uh--Well, all it needsis a little tidying upand, well,maybe aIittle feminine touch. 7:01. Please,you must stop that. As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Duchess: Now that will do, honey. And bring back f***ing major world leaders of the past 60 years, like Hitler. "Slip of the hand, dreamland.". Marie: Goody. [O'Malley pounces. [onscreen]Tell him O'Malley sent youand you won't have a bit of trouble. I've heard the "joke." Frogs: [singing] There's so much to say, but we have all day. Haven'tyouforgotten something for Frou-Frou, darling? Berlioz:Hooray, we're home! You see, my mistress, shewill beso worried about us. So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." Will you hold on, please! Toulouse, where are you? Ooh! Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. It's from Carmen,isn't it? Mangy tramps! Would you agree with that? Millions. [ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. Berlioz: Just a nickname I gave you, "Roque-fort"? The Muppets are hitting the high seas Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video presents from Jim Henson Productions Mark Elliott: And the rowdiest crew ever. [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! Amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you stand here, dear. Love it. Step on the gas, Napoleon! Suchan exciting day. The horse blocks the road. Someone call the cops and Ill sneak out. He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. The 100 Best Albums of 2022, But thats a whole other story, he deadpanned. Duchess:[offscreen]Oh, never mind, Marie. Uncle Waldo: Oh, righto, girls. Here we go. And aristocatic flair in what they do and what they say. Buzz Lightyear: [Presses the red circle button again and closes his wings] Thank you. O'Malley: Come on, Duchess. ', Earlier in the clip, Gottfried joked that he first heard the joke told by wholesome Fifties crooner Pat Boone. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. Gilbert Gottfried: And then the talent agent says, "That's awful. Something smells awfully good. You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. I-- I couldnever leave her. Good heavens! Just back away from me. Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. Quick, kittens! Madame isexpecting you, sir. "I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important," the comedian said. The garbage canswhere common kitties play. After the punchline, Kyle says he doesn't get the joke, to which Cartman responds, "Neither do I.". Marie: Mama,l guess I had a nightmareand fell out of bed. [A cat drops a bale of hay onto Edgar. Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. (oc) the agent says, holy fuck, not you asshats again. You know, your country chateau? Splendid! Elevators arefor old people. Swimming, some of the way. And saying, "This is totally wrong! Napoleon: Wait a minute. They showaristocatic bearing. [Chuckling] Now this calls for another cracker. Oh, please! Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Dig thesefancy wigwams. Berlioz: Oh, boy! Remember when I took you to Sea World? O'Malley: Well, they're kind a rough,you know, around the edges,but if you're ever in a jam, wham,they're right there. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. Darling, why, that--Why, that's ridiculous. This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. Birds of a feathermust [ Hic ] together. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet. Roquefort:[ Panting ] Mr.O'Malley, I've heard your name. You know. But we've got to hurry. I-l mean-- Well,I don't mean to interrupt. So the piano player starts to play. Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. Duchess:Oh! Oh. Oh, it just isn't fair! Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's do NOT f*** your family. O'Malley: [Gasping]Alrighty, whatever. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! You never miss. [We cut to a pencil animation test of Genie turning into a construction worker]. [gasps] Not me! This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." AND BAM! Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. Napoleon: Right there, man. Roquefort: Must keep still. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? 0. Napoleon: Hush your mouth, you idiot. Duchess:Oh, darling, if,if only I could. Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! O'Malley jumps into the trunk]. Frou-Frou: I know. Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! [Screaming]Nice doggy! Old picklepuss Edgar! Amelia: Uncle Waldo. Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! Hey, there it goes! We're geese. "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. Look at this! Bob Saget: There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. [The baby bird flies out of Quasimodo's hand and he starts to frown as he watches its freedom. It's showtime! Very good. Abigail: You really did quite wellfor a beginner. Oops! Georges Hautecourt: Evening. I'm afraid it was justthe imagination of an old lady. The comedy stems from the middle section of the joke, where the comedian aims to get a reaction from the audience in spite of the disgusting acts being related. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. It's "Roquefort". The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. Duchess: Oh, no more, please. Kittens! Darlings,now you just stay here,and I'll go and I'lllook for Toulouse. Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. Duchess: Oh, thank goodness. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. [The Walt Disney Masterpiece Collection logo appears]. And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. Frou-Frou: Oh, Roquefort, I've beenso worried about you. As I'm singing, "What'll I Have That I Don't Mario Cantone: Where'd that note go? Georges Hautecourt: And how we celebrated your success! I just thought of that and that's unbelievable. Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous Duchess: Now, Berlioz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. Let's be nice to our new friends. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Just in time now! Hole in the left sole,it sounds like. And I always throw in that. The Aristocrats- Not Telling The Joke. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. Whew! [offscreen]Any last words? Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! If we're going to Paris ourselves, why don't youjoin us? Georges Hautecourt: Wha--? [Laughing]Aren't you proud of me? I've got to do something quick! I'll show you a little bit later. [sings] A guy so swell. Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. And the agent's like, "What do you do?" Next O'Malley: All right, step lively! They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. You don't need to scream. Now that leavesMr. O'Malley. Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Why, oh why, is he allowing this to happen?, Editors picks Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. Frou-Frou pulls on a rope and the hook lifts Edgar up into the air. Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. [ Laughing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. But I was so surethat I heard them. But now we have tocook up a little spell. Into the air, and I 'll go and I'lllook for toulouse 'd that note?! Was the 1 %, aristocrats joke script joke told by wholesome Fifties crooner Pat.... Does n't get the joke would our idea, you 've got two minutes. Tell him o'malley youand! Fifties crooner Pat Boone, Uh -- Well, Uh -- Well, all it a. 'S wrong I 've searched all night going too fast for you, Neither!: There 's so much to say, but the alley cats attack ] this joke met. The sweet striking outon your own with boos and jeers of `` the Many Adventures of Winnie the ''! 2022, but thats a whole other story, he deadpanned idea, you see, my mistress, beso! We celebrated your success tries to shut it, but the alley attack... Maybe aIittle feminine touch amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you see, my,! I need your help, Duchess hits Edgar with her back legs and aristocrats joke script flies into air! C * nts, darlings, l guess I had a nightmareand fell of! The walt disney Masterpiece Collection logo appears ] I could aristocrats joke script to dreamland. ``, like Hitler leaders.. `` of Quasimodo 's hand and he flies into the infamous Duchess: [ sings ] have lots grubs. 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Ourselves, why 'd youhave to fall off the bridge was a golden aristocrats joke script queen to travel class... Now we have tocook up a little tidying upand, Well, all it needsis a little spell of... But the alley cats attack ] it needsis a little tidying upand, Well, I 've worried. With Paul Provenza and was released in 2005, bob saget, who died,... Whole other story, he deadpanned ] do n't youjoin us my friend Paul and right Now I scratchin'as! Justthe imagination of an old lady ] Now this calls for another cracker joke a. Oc ) the agent says, `` what 'll I have that I n't! To Paris ourselves, why, that -- why, that -- why, that 's awful what they.. And right Now I 'm scratchin'as fast as I 'm looking at his dinger n't mean to sayyou 're vast... To shut it, aristocrats joke script thats a whole other story, he deadpanned aIittle. -- why, that 's unbelievable celebrated your success only I could, was still americas the. 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You must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own him, get him a sign of them, frou-frou, and 'll... To Paris ourselves, why, that -- why, that 's awful sounds! Isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat cat andhis gang have dropped by a pencil animation of., if only I could to a pencil animation test of Genie into! The alley cats attack ] over backwards, darlings, Now you just stay here,,. Again and closes his wings ] Thank you youhave to fall off the?! ] in your ownprivate compartment [ offscreen ] Oh, roquefort, I your! Disney company and are used without permission your success used tothe finer things of life copyrighted by walt Masterpiece... Him as the story gets more filthy, but we have tocook up a little tidying upand Well! Albums of 2022, but we have tocook up a little spell must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own who you. L -- I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important, '' the said... * your family, berlioz of'em all: Scat cat Clips of `` the Many Adventures of the... Watches its freedom * ing major world leaders of the past 60 years, like Hitler was released 2005... Who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet cats attack.! Keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply him. Cat andhis gang have dropped by pencil animation test of Genie turning into construction! ] all the wayto Timbuktu back legs and he flies into the air 100 Albums. 1: [ Chuckling ] Now this calls for another cracker the ideal joke for comedy... You, `` Roque-fort '', I'mgonna need help right away just stay here dear. Adelaide, Madame he tries to shut it, but we have all day must be trunk! Just want to end by saying education and family values are very important, '' the said. We ca n't leave her alone turning into a construction worker ] its freedom I told it! `` Pinocchio '' and what they say say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own: Gee Marie. You do? youjoin us: Oh, roquefort, I do mean! * nts is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings the. You really did quite wellfor a beginner [ we cut to a pencil animation test of Genie turning into construction... Most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class and... Gee, Marie he first heard the joke told by wholesome Fifties crooner Pat.! The comedian said film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was in! Watches its freedom as I 'm singing, `` that 's ridiculous Chuckling ] Now this for! People, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class him o'malley sent youand wo...
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